I love not camping….

Time: 10:04 pm

When: Thursday night

Scene: Living room

I was sitting in MY spot on the couch, the one curved to my butt, conformed after 6 years of sitting in exactly the same place every night. That’s over 2,000 days of sitting, in case you’re wondering how long it takes to create a butt pocket in YOUR couch.

Mac was in HIS chair, sipping on his FOURTH glass of Jack Daniels Sinatra whiskey, which may or may not be directly responsible for this conversation.

Mac is scrolling through his phone, showing me the occasional funny story, or joke or picture of another dog we don’t need. But then, he stops scrolling and starts reading. And he keeps on reading.

Finally, he starts reading out loud ~

“Classic Inca Trail, only $849 for 7 days. Maybe we should do this.”

Me, not really paying attention: mmmmkkkk

Mac: Stay in 3 star hotels, trek the legendary Inca Trail in 3 days with access to porters, chefs, guides, and plentiful camp food.

Me: Chefs sounds nice, but I’m not really into camp food….

Mac: Test your limits with 3 full days of trekking on the trail, ascend through lush jungle along rugged mountains. At each day’s end on the trail, enjoy a comfortable camp setting complete with gourmet meals prepared by your professional chef. After 26 miles of trekking, reach the ‘Sun Gate’ and be greeted by one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World.

Me: Ummm…TWENTY SIX miles..MILES of trekking. You know I don’t ‘trek’…right?

file000806673748
Hmmm, wonder if I could get cell service up there…

Mac: We’d better get in on this quick, they only allow 500 permits per day and demand is high. It’s only $849 per person.

Me: Look, here’s a 7 night cruise for ONLY $999 a person, AND that includes ALL your alcohol. But I don’t think you need any more tonight, because if you think I’m gonna TREK anywhere, you’re already way beyond help.

Mac: Lemme see what’s included….3 nights tent camping, ground transportation, professional bilingual guide…

Me: Better be able to speak Southern Redneck Slang….Oh look, it’s a room with a BALCONY on the ship…’cause I ain’t sleeping in no tent…

Mac: Daily breakfast, foam sleeping mattress, Oxygen bottle…

Me: HOLD UP! If you think I’m going on ANY vacation where an OXYGEN bottle is part of the Required Equipment, you are so very confused.

Mac:  It does say ‘best for the no-frills  Adventure Seeker on a Budget. And we know you like some frills.

Me:  And you know if it doesn’t have a mattress (yes, a bed is a ‘frill’ for me), electricity for my hair dryer and a fridge for my wine, I’ll be staying home.

And THIS, my friends, is why we’ll be doing a little ‘Staycation’ this summer….

Oxygen bottle, my ass….

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Thanks so much for reading what I write. If you liked it, share it with  your friends, or hit that like button! Cheers!

 

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44 comments

  1. Oh my gosh !! You made me giggle and snort !! This is so so funny ! Oxygen bottle … har .. dee..har har as my daddy used to say !! I like staycations too !!

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  2. This is hilarious. Reminds me of the time when I was married and he wanted to camp big time. We bought a camper, cute little outfit that actually had a bed in it…did the tents and air mattress, got wet and deflation often. BUT I digress…anyway first time we used this silly little cute camper of ours, I had my 2 yr old son in my arms and was taking him in to lay him down for an afternoon nap. It had rained, I was barefooted and got shocked with a 220 volt that knocked me on my ass. I made sure going down my son landed on top of me. My days of camping after that were let me say…numbered. I HATE CAMPING lol
    Thanks for your story…staycation sounds just fine.

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  3. Good Morning Sasha, I want you to know that I really look forward to reading anything and everything you post. I especially love your stories. I am not a camper either. I have been camping but would much rather do anything but camp. I love an occasional weekend getaway, but never seem to get to go anywhere. But anyways, please keep your stories coming and have a wonderful weekend.

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  4. Haha I have been camping more time that I can count. Mostly in tents with only a sleeping bag. I don’t want to do it ever again. I do like camping so if we do go this summer I will be sleeping in my van with the seats made out to beds and showers you pay for. The last time I went camping was almost 6 years ago. We slept in a tent with an air mat. The first night a bear came in and ate our bacon and drank a bottle of oil. The second night he came right up to the tent and we could feel him breathing on us he was that close. And to top that I started my period the first night I was there. So you know they can smell blood from a 100 miles away. It was scary as hell. The morning we left he ripped into the tent the other side of us and then had to hunt him and put him down. I have boys and we went camping and fishing quit a bit when they were young.

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  5. My idea of roughing it is a black and white TV. (Do they even make them anymore?) Yeah, camping….uh…. no. My daughters are in their 20s and the oldest has only camped once (with her aunt) and the youngest has never gone camping. Not my job. Have I told you I loathe camping? Now an all inclusive resort, on the other hand …… 🙂

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    • Ha! A black and white TV MIGHT be too much 🙂 And I don’t think they make them any more!! Too funny…Tater has never been camping and thinks she wants to go…but in a camper 🙂

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    • Oh Yeah…8 day cruise to Alaska sounds FABULOUS! That’s the next place I want to cruise to and Mac says…But you don’t like the outside. EXACTLY! I can look at it from the deck of a ship with a drink in my hand!

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  6. You say “butt pocket”, we call it an “ass groove”…same difference. You and me are of the same mind, Sasha. “Roughing it” is staying in a hotel with no room service.

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  7. LOL! I needed this. I don’t trek, don’t do oxygen bottles and most definitely don’t do camping. Cruise it is…
    thanks for the laugh!

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  8. Hilarious as always, Sasha! I love the comment about ‘getting from the car to the hotel room in the rain’ is their idea of ‘roughing it’. Thanks for the belly laugh…..I got a big belly, so that is an accomplishment! 😉

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  9. I am LMAO, so funny. Wonder why in hell would men actually think we would want that for a vacation. Ray keeps trying to talk me into a tiny camper to pull behind a vehicle. Now if it doesn’t have a tub and shower, plugs for electric things and a comfortable mattress, it ain’t happening. MEN what are they thinking.

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  10. Loved this post! Yep, camping requires a credit card and hotel reservation for me. I will even go down to a 3-star rating to “rough” it.

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  11. OMG!! You continuously AMAZE me with your wit AND wisdom.. LMAO* Had to suppress the guffaws somewhat as I was reading this at work whilst I was supposed to be working!! I see a group cruise in our future. I’m sure you would have LOTS of followers. Thank you so much for sharing your journeys called life!!

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  12. OMG! I am so relieved that I’m not the only one who has these conversations with her husband! LOL! I don’t like camping either, but he does! Camping in my world is me doing all the cooking and cleaning…so yeah….HE has a Chef and Maid!

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  13. No frills…..no me! I don’t do camping either. There is no way on God’s green earth I would even think about it. I’m to old for that shit. If I’m going to die on vacation it best be in a 4 star hotel with room service.

    Like

  14. OMG Sasha: I never laughed so hard. This is absolutely hysterical. Camp food to me is pork and beans
    and I am not a beans person I watch a lot of westerns where the cowboys are sitting around a campfire.
    As for trekking, Mike and I did that once years ago in PA when we went on a trail hike in the poconos.
    We had a choice of the short trail or long trail. We thought we picked the short one…….WRONG !!
    We trek for over 8 miles over bridges, rocks, little brooks while all the while hearing noises. I took
    us over 4 hours to get back to the pavilion. Then we drove back home to NJ totally exhausted. I like
    coffee but we drank about 4 cups each. We had to get back home as we have a dog. So as for trekking,
    I am so in agreement with you. The only trekking I do is taking the garbage cans to the curb, going
    out to get the newspaper, and going food shopping.
    Thank you for an enjoyable story. I love it.

    Like

    • Toni ~ I leave out words ALL the time, and lemme tell ya..last night as he was reading this crazy stuff, I thought he had LOST his mind! 🙂 Thanks for hanging out with me!

      Like

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