But if you believe all the commercials on TV, you’d think the over 50 crowd is having sex every day (thanks to a little pill) outside in a bathtub after you’ve come in from playing golf all day and dancing all night at your $900,000 retirement community home.
What we have here, folks, is a little confusion. And I don’t mean confusion because of old age. Nope, I mean the confusion you get from believing everything you see advertised.
So, as a grown up woman that’s over 50, I thought it was my responsibility to give you some cold, hard facts about getting older. Yes, it is great that I’ve lived to the ripe old age of “Golden”…whatever the hell THAT means. But there are a few things my body has done since I’ve turned 50 that I NEVER expected. Now, THAT’s confusing.
This list is for all you younger folks out there thinking the time’s gonna come when you’ll have the luxury of retirement, glowing sunsets, and all the bike rides you can handle. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but there are a few things you need to know:
- Your body is a traitor. You’ll have visions of bounding down the stairs every morning, greeted by your loving spouse, who hands you a cup of coffee with a smile and a kiss. The truth is it’ll take you 20 minutes to get up and out of bed, working the kinks out of your knees, hips and back so they’ll all move together. Of course, you’ll have already pee’d on yourself because you couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time because your legs wouldn’t move, but hey, what’s another quick shower, since you have so much time anyway?
- Your boobs will become friends with your belly button. Take a picture of your perky boobs NOW, while they’re still perky. I don’t care if you have tiny boobs or giant boobs, after you hit 50, they just aren’t gonna EVER be perky again. Well, not by nature, anyway. And if you were blessed with big girls, they’ll become rather oblong and droopy, and if you choose to let ‘em hang free, believe me, they’ll also be hanging low. Don’t wear a crop top.
- Your eyebrows will thin out, but don’t waste time wondering where all the hairs go because you’ll be too busy plucking the hairs on your chin and neck. Of course, that’s the hairs you can SEE. Most of them are gray now, and you can’t see them, so you walk around with a 1” hair growing out of your neck that no one bothers to tell you about. Then one day, you look in the mirror while you’re sitting at a stop light and see the beard no one mentioned and scream through 2 green lights while the people behind you blow the horn and flip you off.
- Speaking of not being able to see, you can’t now. Remember when your parents would hold a menu at arm’s length so they could read it? Yeah, that’s you. Your arms aren’t long enough and you can’t squint enough to see anything. Just bite the bullet and get the glasses. Of course, the bi-focals will cause you to trip over imaginary lines in the floor and you’ll fall over curbs, but “Give it time” they said. Maybe after 2 or 3 years you’ll get used to moving your head like you’re watching a tennis match every time you try to read a line in a book.
- You’re tired. ALL the time. Suddenly, naps seem like a REALLY good idea. And that’s a good thing, because you can fall asleep sitting up MUCH easier now. And if you think you can stay awake long enough to watch anything on TV past 10:00, you’re just fooling yourself. You’ll be snoring and drooling in that big old recliner way before the 10:00 news comes on. And when you wake up at 3:00 am, fight the urge to buy the Nordic track advertised on the infomercial, because you don’t need another clothes rack in the bedroom.
- All your shoes are slip-ons, because your feet are so much farther away now. It’s a medical mystery how that happens, but trust me on this….start buying non-tying shoes NOW. You’ll get used to them and won’t notice when you can’t reach your feet. Putting on socks is really tough, so go ahead and move to a warmer climate where your feet won’t get cold.
- Which brings me to the last thing: Your internal thermometer is totally whacked out! You’re hot. You’re cold. You’re hot AND cold at the same time. Your feet are cold, but your head is gonna explode from the heat stroke you’re having RIGHT NOW. You walk around in socks, shorts and a tank top, with a fan constantly in your hand. In public, you burst into flames and start fanning yourself with whatever you can reach, taking menus from other people and violently waving them in front of you, hoping for some relief while others stare wide eyed at your sudden flushed face and wonder if they should dial 911. Ice becomes your friend and you think nothing of dropping a piece down your shirt to cool off, even in winter. Practice saying these words now: “Oh, I spilled my water at lunch, it’ll dry soon.”
So, old age ain’t no place for sissies. It is a place to use your years of experience and accumulated knowledge as you wander through life, offering a hand to the young and unknowing.
Basically, that means try not to scare them as you laugh like a maniac at the thoughts running through your head….
Thanks for reading what I write. If it made you laugh, share it with others so they can laugh, too 🙂