10 Reasons I’ll Never Be Miss America

APTOPIX Miss America_Cham640 Congratulations to Miss New York, Kira Kazantsev, on becoming Miss America, 2015 last night.   You go, Girl!   I know this is nothing I will ever do, and before you say, “Sure you can, just do it!” I thought I’d compile a list of 10 reasons why I will NEVER be Miss America ~ and I’m ok with that.  I’ll be something else….Miss Brownie, or Miss NCIS, or just Sasha…. 1.           I’m old.  And I’ve been married for almost 31 years  (Yes, it was 2 husbands, but together, it’s almost 31 years –  ya gotta count it ALL).  So technically, I couldn’t be MISS America.  I could be Mrs. America, but I’m still Old, and all those Mrs. America women look young. And thin. 2.            I haven’t worn a 2-piece bathing suit since 1975.  And it was a little iffy then. 3.            I can’t go live for a year in a NY apartment and travel around the country making appearances.  I’d be too busy stopping to update my Facebook status with, “WOW ~ check out this place” or “What a stupid sign” or “Why would someone want me to stand in a room full of crazy people and wear a crown?”.   The Miss America people might frown on that…a lot. 4.            I don’t want to tape any part of my body and then go out in public hoping the tape stays put.  What if I sneezed? 5.            I don’t like to wear heels and hose.  I really prefer to go barefoot, and I’ve never seen a single State parade on stage barefoot.  And does anyone else think it’s odd that they wear those high, high heels with their bathing suits?  Have you ever worn high heels with YOUR bathing suit?  I usually wear flip-flops and a big hat.  And lots of sunscreen. And a cover-up….and have a towel, a chair, a book, sunglasses, radio, phone, camera, snacks, drinks and anything else I can possibly carry so I don’t have to go back to the car.  Now THAT would be a good Swim Suit competition:  How many trips does it take Miss North Carolina to get all the stuff outta the car?  Only 1?  WIN! 6.            I don’t have enough hair to wear a crown. 7.            I’m not real good with people judging me.  I’d be peeking out of the curtain, waiting for the judges to say something, flash a little number up or make some cross eyed secret message to each other and I’d be stomping on the stage, acting all “WHAT?  Whatchu talking about?” 8.            My lips are really thin.  Plus lip liner just lands in my mouth wrinkles and looks a little like dirt.  And I don’t have pretty, perfect, white teeth so my smile is usually always ‘closed’.  I think it’s a requirement that you have to smile the entire time there’s a camera in the room with you.  And show lots of teeth. 9.            My talent would consist of French Braiding a moving head of hair and making a mean Margarita. 10.            My idea of an evening gown doesn’t cost more than 6 months of mortgage and can be bought off the rack at Steinmart.   Besides, all those sequins look pretty heavy.   And I don’t need any more weight added to my body.  Anywhere. And there you have the top 10 reasons I could never be Miss America.  There are about a million more reasons, but I thought the top ten would be a good start. Now, where did I put my flip flops…..

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Thanks for reading my blog ~ if you want to leave a comment, I promise I’ll read it and respond because I LOVE comments.  And if you really love it, share it with your friends and have a margarita while you’re reading the blog out loud.  At the bar.  With other people near by.  It’s even FUNNIER then!  🙂 Cheers!

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20 comments

  1. Did anybody else have big girl’s night with their mom that night? We would always have tailgate food, she would have medicinal drivers.’s, and mani pedi’s. And am I the only one who’s mom made it all about how we are prettier than any of the contestants? “Your lips are so much fuller than Miss Pennsylvania’s, you would beat her” “you have a much better figure than Miss New Jersey, she wouldn’t stand a chance against you” followed by a relieved sigh at the end and “one things for sure, you are much prettier than any of those girls. It ain’t bragging if it’s understood. “?

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    • Gay ~ Oh what a WONDERFUL memory? We didn’t do any of that, but it was a BIG DEAL. We always watched and rooted for Miss NC and hoped she would win, didn’t matter what she looked like or what her talent was. I just LOVE this…I think next year, me ‘n Tater will do Just this!!! Thanks for sharing 😀

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  2. Beautiful, my exact reasons also. I’m gonna age myself her but, does anyone else remember the Miss America Pageant being a really big deal? It was always right around Labor Day.

    When I heard she wins a $50,000.00 Scholarship I about choked. I’ll bet you anything she’s paid for more then that in her (parents) pageant career until this point.

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    • Oh I SO remember the VERY BIG DEAL. We would stay up and watch it and just ooh and ahhh when our State came up and pull for her, hoping she’d get to the next level….but I haven’t watched one in Years…didn’t even know it was on until I saw the winner in the news 🙂

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  3. I’m not so sure that you’re correct on this one Sasha. Seems to me like you SHOULD be Mrs. America, and set the rules right for the rest of us. 😉

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  4. Oh Sasha….. I laughed so hard at this I did pee a little! My husband made me read it to him since I was laughing so hard. He loved your talent by the way. It was even funnier the second time!

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  5. SASHA! I just have to tell you this! About 2 years ago, I was super thin an d fairly toned, bleached blonde and fake tanned. My daughter and I were on a cruise, and I thought, if not now, when? So I put on my bright pink suit with the just enough pareo, medium high sparkly heels and started smiling and batting my false eyelashes and sashayed the l o N g way across the pool deck carrying my Daiquiri and playing the part. No one looked askance, well, I’m sure they did but no one was rude! The cool thing was, for 2 days people came up to me to say “do they pay you to do that? Do you work here? You looked so beautiful. ”

    Now ,I am not bragging. I sit here this am 40 pounds heavier with bags under my eyes and hair that the cat and dachshunds tap danced in all night.

    But I knew that you would appreciate hearing of my one “beauty queen” moment in 58 years! And now I am going to retire to the boudoir where I can wear my tiara in peace! Cheers, girlfriend!

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    • Oh Bobbi ~ LOVE this story. “If not Now, WHEN?” is one of my best lines…and it has gotten me in SO much trouble over the years – ha!! And brag on girl ~ Brag On!!! Thanks for sharing, and that tiara wearing in VERY important 😀 Cheers!

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