I was seduced by the ads on TV….and one too many pop-ups on my Facebook page. The pull was just too much ~ shape, support, lift, comfort, ease. Words I had never personally experienced while wearing a bra.
You see, my boobies (as Tater likes to call them) are rather large. Ok, very large. And for the rest of this story, will be referred to as simply, “The Girls”. And The Girls need some support or I’ll be having half a boob falling out on one side and half a boob coming out the top of the other side of my bra. And comfort? Ha! I can only hope the wires don’t break a rib and the straps don’t indent my shoulders more than 1/2 inch every day. The joys of ‘big chested girls’ are endless.
So I ordered a GENIE ZIP BRA!. I wasn’t smart enough to drop by the “As Seen on TV” section in Wal-Mart and check them out there….Nope, I had to order one. Of course, all I had to do was pop online, type a few things and give them my Credit Card info. It was really too easy.
I anxiously awaited the arrival of my new GENIE ZIP BRA!, sure it was going to change my life. I could hardly wait to get it on and be comfortable all day! Oh the excitement!!
The day it arrived at the Post Office, I refrained from opening it in the car…I wanted to wait until I got home so I could try it on as soon as I saw it so I rushed home (ok, it’s only 1/2 mile, but I drove pretty fast), ripped off my shirt and bra as soon as I got inside and was ready to wear my comfort like the heart on my sleeve.
When I got it out of the box, it looked a little small, but I was optimistic. I checked the size and it was right so I slung it around my back and was ready to zip, zip, zip. Except the two parts of the zipper were about a mile apart….and one of them was under my arm.
So I stretched. And Pulled. And stretched some more.
Then I pulled some more. And again, pulling on it like old-salt-water-taffy-you-find-in-your-Aunt-Ethel’s-attic-and-wonder-if-it’s-still-good pulling. I finally got the 2 sides to meet over The Girls. And I held them together as close as I could, willing the zipper to meet just enough to catch, to “Zip up with ease”, to make all the stars align and the karma of bras work for me.
I pulled, I held and I yanked. I pulled, I turned, I stretched, I held, I cussed. They just weren’t close enough.
Maybe Tater could help.
TATER! Please come help me…. I hold the 2 sides together, using both hands,trying to keep the GENIE ZIP BRA! over The Girls long enough for her to just zip up the little flippin zipper.
I’m holding on for dear life, knowing that if I let go, I might injure a child with a flying boob. She pulls and struggles and holds the zipper…we are both sweating, I’m cussing in my head and she’s just puzzled as to why the zipper won’t go up.
It MIGHT be because there’s 2 cantaloupes in this GENIE ZIP BRA! and it’s made for 2 large pears. As I’m working on the zipper some more, having given up the child approach, the GENIE ZIP BRA! slowly begins to creep up and over The Girls, so that it’s resting totally on top of them and just under my chin.
The Girls are hanging low and swinging free…but guess what? I got the damn zipper zipped. Now as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t let that be the end….the damn thing was zipped, and on me, so now I bent over and started tugging and pulling the GENIE ZIP BRA! Over The Girls, hoping I could smush them in just long enough to get the damn thing down over them.
After about 10 minutes of doing enough exercise to qualify for the contortionist team at the next Olympics, both The Girls were in the place they were supposed to be in the GENIE ZIP BRA!
Unfortunately, they were so squashed they really had no option other than to come out the top AND the bottom of the GENIE ZIP BRA! making for a very interesting visual….kinda like a can of biscuits that’s just opened ~ you could see fleshy parts coming out all sides. (My apologies for the visual you’ll get FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE every time you slap that can of biscuits on the counter top.)
So, my GENIE ZIP BRA! experience wasn’t the best ~ I was hoping for a comfortable, wear-around-the-house-and-occasionally-to-Dollar-General bra, but I think it’ll mostly be for used for exercising. And by exercising, I mean putting the GENIE ZIP BRA! on and then taking it off ~ that’s more exercising than I usually get and I don’t even have to leave my bedroom.
Hey! Thanks for reading what I write and hanging out with me ~ I really appreciate it! And if you love this, feel free to share it. (I know your mama always told you to share.) You might wanna mention the part about not drinking anything WHILE they’re reading it though…saves a lot on computer repair that way 🙂