The only Genie I need is one in a bottle…

I was seduced by the ads on TV….and one too many pop-ups on my Facebook page.  The pull was just too much ~ shape, support, lift, comfort, ease.  Words I had never personally experienced while wearing a bra.

You see, my boobies (as Tater likes to call them) are rather large.  Ok, very large.  And for the rest of this story, will be referred to as simply, “The Girls”.  And The Girls need some support or I’ll be having half a boob falling out on one side and half a boob coming out the top of the other side of my bra.  And comfort?  Ha!  I can only hope the wires don’t break a rib and the straps don’t indent my shoulders more than 1/2 inch every day.  The joys of ‘big chested girls’ are endless. Screen shot 2014-07-21 at 8.04.12 AM

So I ordered a GENIE ZIP BRA!.  I wasn’t smart enough to drop by the “As Seen on TV” section in Wal-Mart and check them out there….Nope, I had to order one.  Of course, all I had to do was pop online, type a few things and give them my Credit Card info.  It was really too easy.

I anxiously awaited the arrival of my new GENIE ZIP BRA!, sure it was going to change my life.  I could hardly wait to get it on and be comfortable all day!  Oh the excitement!!

The day it arrived at the Post Office, I refrained from opening it in the car…I wanted to wait until I got home so I could try it on as soon as I saw it so I rushed home (ok, it’s only 1/2 mile, but I drove pretty fast), ripped off my shirt and bra as soon as I got inside and was ready to wear my comfort like the heart on my sleeve.

When I got it out of the box, it looked a little small, but I was optimistic. I checked the size and it was right so I slung it around my back and was ready to zip, zip, zip. Except the two parts of the zipper were about a mile apart….and one of them was under my arm. 

So I stretched.  And Pulled.  And stretched some more. 

Then I pulled some more.  And again, pulling on it like old-salt-water-taffy-you-find-in-your-Aunt-Ethel’s-attic-and-wonder-if-it’s-still-good pulling. I finally got the 2 sides to meet over The Girls.  And I held them together as close as I could, willing the zipper to meet just enough to catch, to “Zip up with ease”, to make all the stars align and the karma of bras work for me.

I pulled, I held and I yanked.  I pulled, I turned, I stretched, I held, I cussed. They just weren’t close enough. 

Maybe Tater could help.

TATER!  Please come help me…. I hold the 2 sides together, using both hands,trying to keep the GENIE ZIP BRA! over The Girls long enough for her to just zip up the little flippin zipper. 

I’m holding on for dear life, knowing that if I let go, I might injure a child with a flying boob.  She pulls and struggles and holds the zipper…we are both sweating, I’m cussing in my head and she’s just puzzled as to why the zipper won’t go up.

It MIGHT be because there’s 2 cantaloupes in this GENIE ZIP BRA! and it’s made for 2 large pears. As I’m working on the zipper some more, having given up the child approach, the GENIE ZIP BRA! slowly begins to creep up and over The Girls, so that it’s resting totally on top of them and just under my chin.

The Girls are hanging low and swinging free…but guess what?  I got the damn zipper zipped. Now as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t let that be the end….the damn thing was zipped, and on me, so now I bent over and started tugging and pulling the GENIE ZIP BRA! Over The Girls, hoping I could smush them in just long enough to get the damn thing down over them.

After about 10 minutes of doing enough exercise to qualify for the contortionist team at the next Olympics, both The Girls were in the place they were supposed to be in the GENIE ZIP BRA!

Unfortunately, they were so squashed they really had no option other than to come out the top AND the bottom of the GENIE ZIP BRA! making for a very interesting visual….kinda like a can of biscuits that’s just opened ~ you could see fleshy parts coming out all sides.  (My apologies for the visual you’ll get FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE every time you slap that can of biscuits on the counter top.)

So, my GENIE ZIP BRA! experience wasn’t the best ~ I was hoping for a comfortable, wear-around-the-house-and-occasionally-to-Dollar-General bra, but I think it’ll mostly be for used for exercising.  And by exercising, I mean putting the GENIE ZIP BRA! on and then taking it off ~ that’s more exercising than I usually get and I don’t even have to leave my bedroom.

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Hey! Thanks for reading what I write and hanging out with me ~ I really appreciate it!  And if you love this, feel free to share it.  (I know your mama always told you to share.) You might wanna mention the part about not drinking anything WHILE they’re reading it though…saves a lot on computer repair that way 🙂

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43 comments

  1. Omg!!! I laughed so hard that I snorted. My kids just looked at me like I had lost my mind. I love your stories. You rock!!! I also am of the big boob persuasion. 🙂

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    • Sasha, you make me laugh so hard. I had an uncle who called a bra a “bowling ball carrier”. I like you calling the Genie bra made for pears. You’re a real hoot. Keep writing. You’re too funny. You make me giggle, laugh and snort.

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  2. I’m a 34DDDD. Chantelle bras are by far the most comfortable I have found. They are pricey but the lack of uniboob+comfort+not being able to tuck the girls into my pants make them well worth the cost.

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    • Aria ~ I haven’t tried the Chantelle bras but I’ll check it out…and yes ~ That whole uniboob thing is a pain ~ and tucking the girls into my pants never worked well for me either, bwhahahaha!

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  3. Sasha, I weighed 104 pounds and bought my bras and panties in the little girls department. Then I started dating a fellow who offered me the surgery. Never being one for understatement, I got the biggest implants the Dr would agree to do…..A DD cup. Well let me tell you. I struggle to tuck these puppies into line every day. The most flattening sports bras I can find. And I pull them over my head and struggle and sweat till the dammed things are smooshed into submission. I feel your pain! And I brought mine all on myself!

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  4. No one understands our pain unless your “Girls” have to be housed in a F-H abode!! If you do happen upon a sports type bra ,you instantly have a UniBoob!! And why the hell does a bra in the mega size have to cost $65.00?? Once in it, it takes about 10 more minutes to get the nips adjusted so they are not pointing to the ground!!! I am about ready to wrap an inner tube around me, duct tape the sucker closed and flippin’ call it good! Ohhhhh I feel your pain!

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  5. Get yourself professionally fitted for a bra. Most women wear the wrong size and therefore look bad and/or are uncomfortable. A fitting should be done at least once a year and if you lose or gain even 10 LBS. Good luck!

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  6. Thank you thank you thank you! Thought I was the only one. I have tried everything that comes along. Considering using just a wide Ace wrap to keep things from falling out.

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  7. I once was seduced by some bras that were supposed to be supper comfy and no underwire, starchy – and I too was thinking for around the house. The commercial showed busty women with good uplift – guess what – my boobs were drooping in that thing so bad. I’m guessing the models were sporting store bought boobs because that bra wasn’t going to hold anything up.

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  8. So funny Sasha! I have band myself from all that stuff I can’t live without on tv. My last lesson was the No!No! Thanks for the laugh though your awsome!

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  9. Yep I been there but with the Genie Bra ha! After much dancing, jumping, twisting, tugging and pulling, I got it on! Bummer…one Mega Boob…!

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  10. omg ! i almost wet my pants reading this one AND the one about the jeans, too funny because I also have larger than normal ” Girls ” and cannot find a good bra, and I also weighed 105 lbs in high school and worked at McDonalds.. you may dear brighten my days and make me laugh even when I dont think anything will cheer me up.. Big Hugs and a Big Margarita for you my Facebook Friend ❤

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  11. I got the biggest size they had at Walmart and it still was too small. And I’m not even big chested!! I was bummed because someone told me how comfortable they are!! But silly me didn’t even think that she is probably a size 32 a. I’m just “chunky”, but I have to get a 44 something! So I just wear sport bras because i can’t stand things poking me in the back.

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    • Joanne ~ Bras are a pain….I have been searching for a comfortable one for years and found a semi-comfortable one ONCE..then the dryer ripped out the hooks. I’ve kept it, hoping to find another like it, but no luck!

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  12. I too have been seduced by the regular Genie Bra without the zipper. I even sized up because that’s what they recommend when the girls are large. It feels comfortable if it were bigger. Hilarious story, you always make me laugh! Have a great day!

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  13. Oh my…….such detail!! Yes I have been seduced as well, but have not tried it on yet…..as I have this weird habit about waiting forever to try anything on…..my husband refers to it as purgatory……but hey I keep receipts!!

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  14. I literally laughed out loud at the part where you might injure a child with a flying boob! You always make my day a little happier – thanks!

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  15. No comfortable bra was ever made for us big boobie girls! I’ve done the exact same thing with sports bras and always have to get hubby to pull them off of me! And God forbid you’re sweating trying to get one off! You always make me smile 😊

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    • Trish ~ Oh sweating or wet from the shower is impossible for any bra….I walk around ‘loose’ for an hour if I have time cause it’s not going on til I’m all dry~ And thanks!!

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  16. I feel your pain girlfriend. I too was seduced by the ads, got one and spent fifteen minutes doing the twist and shout,or twist and cuss a blue streak. Took that bad boy off and gave it to the cat to play with.

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