I watch a lot of crime shows ~ actually an alphabet of crime shows….NCIS, NCIS-LA, SVU, L&O. Apparently we’ll abbreviate anything to give it a cool moniker. I’m thinking of changing my name to some cool initials ~ S…something.
Anyway, it seems the cops always pull the victim’s ‘financials’ to see what their last few days were like, or where they had been, to find out more about the victim and why they might have been off’d. Which made me think about what the cops would find out about me if they pulled my ‘financials’ ~ actually they could get a lot more info by looking in my car floorboard at the McDonald’s cups and and ATM receipts, but what fun is that?
So here’s a list of my ‘financials’ . . . I can hardly type that without stopping to laugh…Financials. Bwahahahaha. How about a balance of $128.58 on good days?
2 days ago:
Wal-mart ~ Purchased a dozen eggs, shredded cheese, honey buns, 2 liter diet Pepsi, 2 apples and the biggest can of hair spray available.
Analysis: Obviously eats poorly, drinks too much soda and has big hair. (1 out of 3 ain’t bad….)
McDonald’s ~ Purchased a Large Iced Caramel Mocha
Analysis: Too much Caffeine
1 day ago:
Wal-Mart ~ (I detect a pattern) Purchased 3 rolls of tape, 2 markers, deli container of popcorn chicken, GIANT bag of Twizzlers, Hello Kitty Lip Gloss, and a 1 bag of Heart Shaped Peppermint Patties.
Analysis: Obviously preparing to move and is immature
Long Horn Steakhouse ~ Purchased one absolutely AMAZING Jack & Honey Blackberry Lemonade, Texas Tonion, and Sweet Iced Tea. Tipped well.
Analysis: Obviously has no friends, has to dine alone, eats too much fried food and drinks to excess
RedBox ~ Purchased 3 movies: The Family, The Heat, Dark Shadows.
Analysis: Obsessed with crimes and criminal behavior
And we’re Right Back where we started…..Crime Shows. They’d do MUCH better if they looked at my Facebook posts….THAT would tell them everything they need to know 🙂
So if I happen to get myself off’d anytime soon, ya’ll just tell the police to check my page. I’ll try to keep it up to date so they won’t have to break into my “Financials” and find out I’ve been eating popcorn chicken and Twizzlers along with drinking Diet Pepsi. Oh ~ and those honey buns and Hello Kitty lip gloss was for Tater…honest. No, Really. I like Donuts and L’Oreal MUCH better 🙂
Thanks for reading my blog ~ if you want to leave a comment, I promise I’ll read it and respond because I LOVE comments. And if you really love it, share it with your friends and have a margarita while you’re reading the blog out loud. At the bar. With other people near by. It’s even FUNNIER then! 🙂 Cheers!
Stopping by for the first time. Just ran across your FB page and decided to check out your blog. I love the name!
I’m a food blogger and a few times a month participate in a creative writing challenge.
Cracked up reading some post here, I’ll be back.
Dawn ~ Love “Spatulas on Parade” because I LOVE Spatulas…yep, corny as hell!! Ha! Thanks for stopping by and hanging out ~ and reading what I write!! I can’t wait to stop by your blog and see what’s cooking ~ Have a fab week ~ Cheers !
Oh please don’t get off’d too soon. I take my “coffee mug yo church and have them all talking. My financials would be to Coldwater Creek and Costco. Think of what the analysis would come up with then! Loved your blog today. You forgot Blacklist yo the shows.
Jan ~ Trust me…I’m not making ANY plans for it to happen any time soon! And Thanks 🙂 and I DID forget Blacklist…Dayum…you could totally figure out how to ‘take care of someone’ from THAT show!! Cheers 😀
Financials, Direct deposit on the 3rd, continuous withdrawals til 0 balance at end of month. No sneaky deposits from off shore accounts,no payments from disgruntled people wanting to have their spouses killed.Debit card used for Liquer, beer, groceries, all those purchases needed to sustain a 13 yr old girl, and a few bizarre late night drunken impulse buys ( what the hell did I buy that for or when and why did I buy Fill in the Blank) . Major crimes and the mentalist would not spend much time interrogateing me unless they wanted a fab dinner or cocktail recipe.
Ha Mitch ~ LOVE it! Yes, they would conclude I had no suspicious activity as well as a very low balance 🙂
on your inspiration I ‘pulled my financials’ and concluded the subject was…a serious impulse grocery/cosmetics shopper (WHO buys walnut butter with forethought?, and cosmetics at the grocery store?)
Annett ~ Yes, it seems serious 🙂 Cosmetics should always be bought at a drug store – ha! But I too have purchased cosmetics in the grocery store …. oh, Look!! Pretty colors!!!!!
That is so funny & true. I love my law & orders, plus CSI. They would find a pattern with me to & would say this girl goes out to eat way to much & shops @ target & Walgreens.
Sara Ann ~ Yep…I don’t travel very far from a pattern – ha! Wouldn’t take them much figuring out if they were any good 😀
Is the Honey Jack and Lemonade anything like the Lynchburg Lemonade’s they used to serve… years ago? (gawd, has it been THAT danged long?)
Susan ~ Ha! I had Lynchburg Lemonade in TN this summer…the Honey Jack Blackberry Lemonade was AMAZING !~ Tasted like summer perfection! I’m gonna try to replicate it…and I’ll just keep trying and trying and trying til I get it right 😉
The only question I have is how was the honey jack lemonade? I got an email from Longhorn describing this…being that I love honey Jack and lemonade I’m curious!! Oh and FYI I made lemonade and also sweet tea in the summer and add Honey hack 🙂
Jack not hack…damn phone
Oh Tonia ~ It was AMAZING! Like drinking a blackberry lemonade with a kick…awesome. I’m gonna try and recreate it…just mix and taste til I get it right – ha! Cheers 😀