Congratulations to Miss Connecticut, Erin Brady, on becoming Miss USA, 2013 this past weekend. You go, Girl! I know this is nothing I will ever do, and before you say, “Sure you can, just do it!” I thought I’d compile a list of 10 reasons why I will NEVER be Miss USA ~ and I’m ok with that. I’ll be something else….Miss Brownie, or Miss Living Room Couch, or just Sasha….
1. I’m old. And I’ve been married for almost 30 years (Yes, it was 2 husbands, but together, it’s almost 30 years – ya gotta count it ALL). So technically, I couldn’t be MISS USA. I could be Mrs. USA, but I’m still Old, and all those Mrs. USA women look young. And thin.
2. I haven’t worn a 2-piece bathing suit since 1975. And it was a little iffy then.
3. I can’t go live for a year in a NY apartment and travel around the country making appearances. I’d be too busy stopping to update my Facebook status with, “WOW ~ check out this place” or “What a stupid sign” or “Why would someone want me to stand in a room full of crazy people and wear a crown?”. The Miss USA people might frown on that…a lot.
4. I don’t want to tape any part of my body and then go out in public hoping the tape stays put. What if I sneezed?
5. I don’t like to wear heels and hose. I really prefer to go barefoot, and I’ve never seen a single State parade on stage barefoot. And does anyone else think it’s odd that they wear those high, high heels with their bathing suits? Have you ever worn high heels with YOUR bathing suit? I usually wear flip-flops and a big hat. And lots of sunscreen. And a cover-up….and have a towel, a chair, a book, sunglasses, radio, phone, camera, snacks, drinks and anything else I can possibly carry so I don’t have to go back to the car. Now THAT would be a good Swim Suit competition: How many trips does it take Miss North Carolina to get all the stuff outta the car? Only 1? WIN!
6. I don’t have enough hair to wear a crown.
7. I don’t particularly like to hold hands (unless you happen to be 6 years old and MY princess). So all that hand-holding and crying and emotional wreckage just before the big winner is announced? Nope, not my thing. I might do the little finger wave, but that’s about it.
8. My lips are really thin. Plus lip liner just lands in my mouth wrinkles and looks a little like dirt. And I don’t have pretty, perfect, white teeth so my smile is usually always ‘closed’. I think it’s a requirement that you have to smile the entire time there’s a camera in the room with you. And show lots of teeth.
9. I have a small clue about what’s going on in the world, and can form a sentence that actually makes sense.
10. My idea of an evening gown doesn’t cost more than 6 months of mortgage and can be bought off the rack at Steinmart. Besides, all those sequins look pretty heavy. And I don’t need any more weight added to my body. Anywhere.
And there you have the top 10 reasons I could never be Miss USA. There are about a million more reasons, but I thought the top ten would be a good start.
Now, where did I put my flip flops…..
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Thanks for reading my blog ~ if you want to leave a comment, I promise I’ll read it and respond because I LOVE comments. And if you really love it, share it with your friends and have a margarita while you’re reading the blog out load. At the bar. With other people near by. It’s even FUNNIER then! 🙂 Cheers!
Lipstick, Margaritas and Hairspray 
Just found you via “Life as I see it ~ feel it ~ live it ~ Welcome to it” on fb and I am soooo glad! Have read thru a few entries this afternoon and will definitely read more…first gotta go for a rum & OJ. I like my alcohol healthy yanno?!?
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Hey, ya gotta get your fruits any way you can….pineapple juice, maraschino cherries…they ALL count! Thanks for stopping by, cheers!
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Bwahaha! This was hysterical! The taping things to keep them on totally confuses me as well. And I think the contestants (as well as movie stars, for that matter) should have to tell us what alterations are made on the spot and what is taped so we don’t feel bad about ourselves when nothing seems to fit exactly right in every nook and cranny. As soon as someone told me they have seamstresses on hand as soon as these people get dressed I felt so much better about myself!
Vicky
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
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I just know that tape removal would hurt. And I’m all about comfort these days 🙂
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#10–YES! I am SUCH a tightwad. Haha
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Even if we weren’t tightwads, the amount of money those dresses cost should be illegeal…or at least a sin. It’s freakin’ crazy!
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Hey Sasha, I liked your idea of addin up the years of marriagES, so I did it. (I swear to God I had to use my fingers.) Out of EIGHT husbands (nine marriages…married one twice), I got a grand total of ABOUT fifteen or sixteen years of marriagES! No lie…can’t make that sh!t up! Hittin a year this month with #8 (or #9…dependin on what you’re countin). Sooo…I’ve decided that I don’t like your idea s’much… Btw, have I told you this week that I just LOVE you? 🙂
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Ha! Now THAT’s a lot of marriages! You go Val! And you know, you get to make up your own rules, so whatever works, works! How about counting months instead? That way you can just throw out a total and just forget to say “months” – Lol! And no, you haven’t told me this week! Glad we got that out of the way ~ Cheers!!!
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Tell you what, we’ll kick back with a couple of cocktail, snacks and watch the pageants from a comfortable chair, together. Watching those women, walking in heels for an hour, is exhausting.
I would add that I’m too short, and too fat. And, if this were the Miss America “scholarship” pageant, my “talents” cannot be displayed on stage, in an audience that includes children or ultra-conservative people.
Disclaimer: I only watched the highlights. A “True Blood,” marathon was on, and, well…NAKED MEN trump a bunch of silicone-enhanced, botoxed, taped, shellacked beauty queens.
But, I do, religiously watch “Ru Paul’s Drag Race.” Does that count?
~Michelle
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Now THAT sounds like a plan. And yes, I would soooo fall flat on my face walking in those heels. And your ‘talents’ sound interesting 😀
Confession: I didn’t watch ANY of it, just saw the headlines this morning. It’s really too painful sometimes – ha! And anything with Ru Paul counts! Cheers!
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Flip flops, cocktails, snacks and Ru Paul! We’re on!
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Sweet ~ and I don’t think we should limit this to Miss Whatever pageants…this sounds like a plan for everything 😀
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