Shhh, I’ve got a Secret!!!

As you may know (or not really care), Mac travels for his job.  So I do those irritating little things you  have to do in person for him.  And that is where this adventure begins….

Mac asked me to get his car inspected while he was in Germany.  Now, this is his  baby, the car he bought as a Mid-Life-Crisis car 10  years ago (I offered to get a personalized plate that said “Midlife” but he didn’t seem as enthusiastic about that as I did…go figure).     And this car….I HATE this car.  It’s too low for my big self (any time my butt is lower than my knees, I’m gonna have trouble getting up….duh!), it small inside (note ‘big self’ above), it’s long and loud.  But,  of course I’ll get it inspected while he’s out-of-town ~ no problem.

He’s gonna be gone 5 days….surely I can make this happen.

Day 1:  Ah, I have 4 more days….

Day 2:  Nope, it’s raining

Day 3:  Still raining

Day 4:  Lots of errands to run, sure don’t want to have to drive that stupid car everywhere

Day 5:  He’s on an airplane and will land in 3 hours…dammit, I gotta do this today

So I cram myself in the car, drive to the car inspection place and all is happy.  I’m feeling pretty good, and it IS lunch time, so I drive it to lunch.

Now, I am never without a glass of tea ~ there is ALWAYS one near me at home and when I go to a restaurant, I always get a cup of tea to-go.  That’s just in case I die of thirst on the 10 minute ride home, because you just can’t be too careful.

Ah, my beloved Sweet Tea!
Ah, my beloved Sweet Tea!

As I’m walking to THE CAR, I remember that Mac has NEVER let any food or drink substances sully the interior of his car…..there’s a minuscule chance a drop will spill or a crumb will fall and the sparkling leather will be forever ruined.  (And WHAT IS UP with the Armor-all EVERYWHERE…geez!  The steering wheel feels like the oiled up leg of a stripper at closing time….uh, not that I’d know or anything….).

But, what the hell….he’s on an AIRPLANE for God’s sake.  I’ll be super careful, it’s only 10 miles and my drink won’t spill.

I need to insert something very important right here:  I never litter.  Never Never Never Never litter.  It’s against my religion, moral compass, upbringing and psyche.  I never litter.

Ever.

So I’m driving down the interstate (because I want to get home to my truck as fast as I can and while I am certainly capable of driving a stick shift, having learned as a 10-year-old shifting gears for my mom on trips to and from Florida, I much prefer the convenience and ease of an automatic), be-bopping to the tunes and maybe…just maybe….being slightly over enthusiastic about passing slower cars and darting in and out of traffic with the big, low, long, sleek race car I’m driving….and as I reach over to take a drink of my sweet tea, my hand brushes along the gear stick and I feel….liquid.

Apparently, there is a tiny hole in the bottom of my to-go cup……

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

No, don’t PANIC!  I’ll just wipe up the spill and …. DO WHAT!  Toss the cup?  NO, because I don’t FREAKIN LITTER!  And are there ANY napkins, paper towels, scraps of fast food bags or some other absorbent material in this car??? NO!  Because you can’t eat or drink in the car and he keeps the interior like a damn museum!!

Ok, think!  I KNOW ~ I can use my sweater and mop up the ever-increasing liquid….even though it’s a $200 sweater I got for $20 at a special-once-in-a-lifetime-outlet-sale just 2 months ago (WHO IN THE HELL would pay $200 for a sweater???).  No problem, I’ll just take this off, carefully, while I drive, and mop up the tea.  There….much better.

I drive a little faster because I want to beat the tea to the house ~ it’s rising quickly in that little tiny cup holder on the console (really?  It looks like it’s for Barbie Cups…).

Pulling into the driveway, I slam it into 1st, cut the engine and attempt to ‘hop out’ of the car.  Now THAT’s Funny.  I drag my ass out of the car, run around to the other side, grabbing paper towels on the way and dash to the cup holder, holding the paper towel under the cup so it won’t drip everywhere.

I mop up the cup holder, Armor-all the side of the seat and console where it had dripped and I am in great shape, feeling pretty damn good about the fact that I drove the car without any damage AND I **giggle** had a drink in the cup holder, a leak in the drink and tea all over the console and He’ll NEVER KNOW!!!

And then I saw it……there, just below the passenger seat, embedded in the pale tan carpet…a beautifully formed, perfectly chewed, absolutely brick-like piece of bubble gum.

Now, I’ve been married to Mac for 20 years and never ONCE in those 20 years have I seen him chew bubble gum.  However, there is a certain 6-year-old living with us that has a gallon tub of Double Bubble at her disposal because she is addicted to bubble gum since she learned to blow bubbles.  And now I KNOW ~ they’ve been tooling around in Mac’s car, his baby, his Corvette, together while I am who knows where ~ feeling the wind in their hair, laughing with the loud music on the radio and going too fast for my comfort.

And at some point, Miss Tater took that bubble gum out of her mouth, DID NOT LITTER, and put it very firmly in the carpet, where I found it.

Makes a Sasha proud…..and Mac is SO BUSTED when he gets off that airplane!

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17 comments

  1. You just made me laugh out loud! I love this story soooo much. Men and their cars, what is it? Is the car a symbol of their self image or their sexual fantasies? It’s a car, expensive one, but it’s still a car. My husband used to be that way about our cars too. That ended the night our two year old puked all over the inside. His new reality was born!

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  2. That would be my husband’s dream car. But he too is of ample size and decided it wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to haul his butt in and out. LOL. So he bought a Harley instead. And that’s great for me because he knows I will NEVER learn to drive the damn thing!!

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  3. when I found lipstick in David’s car…that was a shock, but then he just explained one of his buddies just likes to wear lipstick on occasion!

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  4. We men do love our cars. Especially those that are more toy than car. But we tend to love our granddaughters even more, and they get a pass on things that would result in a murder charge if someone else did them.

    A good detail shop should be able to get the gum out with no problem. 😉

    And I was really hoping the car was a Viper, and not a ‘Vette.

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    • Oh, THIS granddaughter walks on water…at least around Mac 🙂 And I think I’ll just leave that little bubble gum present for Mac to figure out-ha! AND, you’ll be happy to know, a Viper is on his list when he upgrades later this year ~ me? Couldn’t care less!

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