Congratulations to Miss Georgia, Betty Cantrell, on becoming Miss America, 2016 last night. You go, Girl! I know this is nothing I will ever do, and before you say, “Sure you can, just do it!” I thought I’d compile a list of 10 reasons why I will NEVER be Miss America ~ and I’m ok with that. I’ll be something else….Miss Margarita, or Miss NCIS, or just Sasha….
1. I’m old. And I’ve been married for almost 32 years (Yes, it was 2 husbands, but together, it’s almost 32 years – ya gotta count it ALL). So technically, I couldn’t be MISS America. I could be Mrs. America, but I’m still Old, and all those Mrs. America women look young. And thin.
2. I haven’t worn a 2-piece bathing suit since 1975. And it was a little iffy then.
3. My makeup artist is an 8 year old that thinks blue eyeshadow should also be applied under my eyes so it touches the bright pink circles of blush that resemble Bozo the clown at his finest.
4. I don’t want to tape any part of my body and then go out in public hoping the tape stays put. What if I sneezed?
5. I don’t like to wear heels and hose. I really prefer to go barefoot, and I’ve never seen a single State parade on stage barefoot. And does anyone else think it’s odd that they wear those high, high heels with their bathing suits? Have you ever worn high heels with YOUR bathing suit? I usually wear flip-flops and a big hat. And lots of sunscreen. And a cover-up….and have a towel, a chair, a book, sunglasses, radio, phone, camera, snacks, drinks and anything else I can possibly carry so I don’t have to go back to the car. Now THAT would be a good Swim Suit competition: How many trips does it take Miss North Carolina to get all the stuff outta the car? Only 1? WIN!
6. I don’t have enough hair to wear a crown.
7. I’m not real good with people judging me. I’d be peeking out of the curtain, waiting for the judges to say something, flash a little number up or make some cross eyed secret message to each other and I’d be stomping on the stage, acting all “WHAT? What the flip are you talking about?”
8. My lips are really thin. Plus lip liner just lands in my mouth wrinkles and looks a little like dirt. And I don’t have pretty, perfect, white teeth so my smile is usually always ‘closed’. I think it’s a requirement that you have to smile the entire time there’s a camera in the room with you. And show lots of teeth.
9. My talent would consist of French Braiding a moving head of hair and making a mean Margarita.
10. My idea of an evening gown is a long slinky skirt I bought off the rack at a discount clothing store and a top I found in the back of my closet that happens to match.
And there you have the top 10 reasons I could never be Miss America. There are about a million more reasons, but I thought the top ten would be a good start. Now, where did I put my flip flops…..
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