I recently read an article about ‘Morning Routines’ and how some people wake up naturally by training their bodies to accept the natural rhythms of the sun, moon and stars.
Well, I think it was a natural rhythm of something. Honestly, I was laughing hysterically and I couldn’t stop long enough to see the words through my tears.
I thought about that article and MY morning routine and thought I should lay it all out there, for all the mama’s and daddy’s and people who aren’t able to train their bodies to do anything other than laugh when they try to get up off the floor. So here’s MY morning routine….lemme know if it’s anything like yours:
Mourning Morning Routine
(Freudian slip? I think not…)
1. Alarm goes off at 6:00 am.
2.I ignore alarm and hope magic has occurred and I don’t have to get up.
3. Snooze alarm goes off at 6:08 and I decide Magic has not occurred and I DO have to get up.
4. Drag self across hallway to get child up. Pretend that’s gonna happen with little effort.
5. Argue with 9-year-old about getting out of bed.
6. Yell at 9-year-old that it is NOW 6:15 and she’s gonna miss breakfast, miss the bus, have to go to school in PJ’s and probably never get a hamster.
7. Go downstairs with moody 9-year-old slowly trailing behind.
8. Tell 9-year-old 8,382 times to get dressed while I fix breakfast.
9. Fix protein filled breakfast for 9-year-old because she is losing weight. I haven’t lost a pound in 8 years, and I eat 1 meal a day, walk 3000 steps and climb 8 flights of steps a day.
10. Tell 9-year-old to eat faster or she’ll miss the bus, go to school with uncombed hair and have to eat radishes for lunch for the rest of the year.
11. Comb 9 year olds hair as she’s taking meds and putting on backpack.
12. Hope I’ve remembered to put a capri sun and calorie filled snacks that don’t contain carbs, sugar, processed food, or the elixir of my youth in expensive, insulated, padded, name included lunch tote for 9-year-old. (Same lunch tote that has been left at school 12 times this year and has been run over by a bike tire and 4 dogs.)
13. Decide to skip a bra in favor of shoes as we run out the door after having heard the 1st of 3 buses rumble by, knowing hers is the 2nd one to shuffle along, unless it’s 20 minutes late which happens once a week because the bus driver has ‘issues’.
14. Sit in dark, cold car at end of driveway because I drive the 13-year-old truck instead of the 3-year-old fancy truck my husband drives to the airport where it sits in comfort in long-term parking 3 days a week, it’s automatic start and heat button languishing, unused by anyone.
15. Try to instill words of wisdom, inspiration, encouragement, voodoo magic healers and the fear of my mother’s ghost in 9-year-old before she gets on bus.
16. Wave for 2 solid minutes from the time she closes the truck door until she sits in her assigned seat on the bus, but really have no idea who I’m waving at because it’s dark and my eyes have glazed over from the constant requests to play games on my phone and begging for just one piece of gum that she’ll hide in her cheek as she boards the ‘no food, gum, or drinks allowed’ bus.
17. Back up the driveway, and manage to JUSTMISS the car port pillar as I park, backed in….like a pro because…woman driver, hear me roar.
18. 7:00 – 7:20 am (depending on bus drivers ‘issues’) Go back inside, feed the obviously starving cats and dog, and head to the shower to start my WORKDAY, because without a shower, I simply CANNOT function.
19. 8:00 am~Go upstairs to work in the Glitter Dome, where I am LIVE on Facebook, which means it’s helpful if I’m conscious, and begin my day. Which I am HAPPY to do because the first hour of my “Morning Routine” isn’t exactly zen.
20. 8:01 Realize I left my coffee downstairs…dammit….
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