January 21, 2016Sasha

The truth about being 50 years old

Old Ageain't no placefor Sissies for blogOld age ain’t no place for sissies…Bette Davis said those words and I totally agree.

But if you believe all the commercials on TV, you’d think the over 50 crowd is having sex every day (thanks to a little pill) outside in a bathtub after you’ve come in from playing golf all day and dancing all night at your $900,000 retirement community home.

What we have here, folks, is a little confusion. And I don’t mean confusion because of old age. Nope, I mean the confusion you get from believing everything you see advertised.

So, as a grown up woman that’s over 50, I thought it was my responsibility to give you some cold, hard facts about getting older. Yes, it is great that I’ve lived to the ripe old age of “Golden”…whatever the hell THAT means. But there are a few things my body has done since I’ve turned 50 that I NEVER expected. Now, THAT’s confusing.

This list is for all you younger folks out there thinking the time’s gonna come when you’ll have the luxury of retirement, glowing sunsets, and all the bike rides you can handle.   I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but there are a few things you need to know:

  1. Your body is a traitor. You’ll have visions of bounding down the stairs every morning, greeted by your loving spouse, who hands you a cup of coffee with a smile and a kiss. The truth is it’ll take you 20 minutes to get up and out of bed, working the kinks out of your knees, hips and back so they’ll all move together. Of course, you’ll have already pee’d on yourself because you couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time because your legs wouldn’t move, but hey, what’s another quick shower, since you have so much time anyway?
  1. Your boobs will become friends with your belly button. Take a picture of your perky boobs NOW, while they’re still perky. I don’t care if you have tiny boobs or giant boobs, after you hit 50, they just aren’t gonna EVER be perky again. Well, not by nature, anyway. And if you were blessed with big girls, they’ll become rather oblong and droopy, and if you choose to let ‘em hang free, believe me, they’ll also be hanging low. Don’t wear a crop top.
  1. Your eyebrows will thin out, but don’t waste time wondering where all the hairs go because you’ll be too busy plucking the hairs on your chin and neck. Of course, that’s the hairs you can SEE. Most of them are gray now, and you can’t see them, so you walk around with a 1” hair growing out of your neck that no one bothers to tell you about. Then one day, you look in the mirror while you’re sitting at a stop light and see the beard no one mentioned and scream through 2 green lights while the people behind you blow the horn and flip you off.
  1. Speaking of not being able to see, you can’t now. Remember when your parents would hold a menu at arm’s length so they could read it? Yeah, that’s you. Your arms aren’t long enough and you can’t squint enough to see anything. Just bite the bullet and get the glasses. Of course, the bi-focals will cause you to trip over imaginary lines in the floor and you’ll fall over curbs, but “Give it time” they said. Maybe after 2 or 3 years you’ll get used to moving your head like you’re watching a tennis match every time you try to read a line in a book.
  1. You’re tired. ALL the time. Suddenly, naps seem like a REALLY good idea. And that’s a good thing, because you can fall asleep sitting up MUCH easier now. And if you think you can stay awake long enough to watch anything on TV past 10:00, you’re just fooling yourself. You’ll be snoring and drooling in that big old recliner way before the 10:00 news comes on. And when you wake up at 3:00 am, fight the urge to buy the Nordic track advertised on the infomercial, because you don’t need another clothes rack in the bedroom.
  1. All your shoes are slip-ons, because your feet are so much farther away now. It’s a medical mystery how that happens, but trust me on this….start buying non-tying shoes NOW. You’ll get used to them and won’t notice when you can’t reach your feet. Putting on socks is really tough, so go ahead and move to a warmer climate where your feet won’t get cold.
  1. Which brings me to the last thing: Your internal thermometer is totally whacked out! You’re hot. You’re cold. You’re hot AND cold at the same time. Your feet are cold, but your head is gonna explode from the heat stroke you’re having RIGHT NOW. You walk around in socks, shorts and a tank top, with a fan constantly in your hand. In public, you burst into flames and start fanning yourself with whatever you can reach, taking menus from other people and violently waving them in front of you, hoping for some relief while others stare wide eyed at your sudden flushed face and wonder if they should dial 911.   Ice becomes your friend and you think nothing of dropping a piece down your shirt to cool off, even in winter. Practice saying these words now: “Oh, I spilled my water at lunch, it’ll dry soon.”

So, old age ain’t no place for sissies. It is a place to use your years of experience and accumulated knowledge as you wander through life, offering a hand to the young and unknowing.

Basically, that means try not to scare them as you laugh like a maniac at the thoughts running through your head….

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Thanks for reading what I write.  If it made you laugh, share it with others so they can laugh, too 🙂 

72 comments

  3. Omg girlfriend! I went to eat Mexican food with my new friend,she said she was paying. Heck yeah! Guess what it was margarita night. It’s been ages since I wore ‘leave the house clothes and shoes. My make up was about dried up but I managed to zip up my jeans up, smear on some lipstick and stuff my feet into a pair of tennis shoes. Well she ended up buying shots between our margaritas. I came home sneaking in after midnight. Got on face book someone shared your post. I followed it to your blog. girl I laughed so hard I was choking and peeing at the same time. I will explore your site tomorrow. I don’t think I need to be posting while drunk. Iv gotten some wird comments. Looking forward to getting to know you.

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    • Laura! You know….you hit the utopia of girls night…real clothes, mexican food, margaritas AND someone else paying!! Thanks for hanging out, welcome to the club and I’m sure we’ll talk soon!! 🙂

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  4. HI Sasha, I’m here from the “Between the Lines” tour from Katherine’s Corner. The moniker I use in place of redneck, though, is ‘hilliblly’. Say it loud; say it proud! *lol* I hear you on the decline of physical abilities, though. Now, if I have to get something from under the bed, I have one of the kids do it, or a two minute job would last 30 minutes because it would take me that much longer just to stand back up! Have a great week!

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    • Hi Luann! And hillbilly works equally well 🙂 And gurrllll…I do NOT get down on the floor. First I analyze how much I need whatever is down there and make sure I can wait until someone that is closer to it gets there! Welcome!

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      • If I absolutely have to retrieve something from the floor and I’m alone, I drag a chair, small table, something over to the spot so I can haul my butt back up. I keep telling my husband my center of gravity has shifted. I’m sure that extra 30 pounds I’m toting has NOTHING to do with my inability to move in a sprightly manner.

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  6. I and many of my classmates turn 50 this year. It’s odd to see the wide range of reactions. Some of us have already met the menopause fairy and some of us have small children. (shudder) I’m a grandmother that has reached an age where I edit myself a LOT less. I am lucky to have been graced with fantastic genes, so that people assume that my grandchildren are actually my children. I’m constantly being told that I don’t look like a grandmother. Many grandmothers are not stooped over old creatures in an apron any more. I’m almost rid of the last one from the house and then I can finally enjoy a happy childhood. Loved the article. I long to be a cranky, old person 😉

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  7. My Dear…I laughed until I cried when I read your article about being over 50! I tried to copy it to take to some relatives who do not have facebook but it will not let me copy or e-mail it to myself altho I am able to copy other things. Is there some way you could send it to me? My e-mail is: missjojo@bellsouth. Keep up the good work!

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  8. I loved, laughed, and could relate to every word. At least we can laugh through these things done days more than others, but what else can you do? One more thing I can add are the commercials for anti-aging and wrinkles for “mature” skin. The models all say how wonderful their skin feels and how the small wrinkles have all but disappeared, for God’s sake the models are all 23 years old, of course their skin looks perfect, they haven’t a clue what a wrinkle is. Thanks for keeping the humor!

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  9. I’m 72 and am enjoying retirement with my
    husband. I’m still able to pull my weight and plan elaborate parties and holidays, but it takes extra days after they’re over to recuperate. It’s a beautiful time, the ” Golden” years to just be ME! Loved your artical. Already been there, done that. Now I just focus on my family, friends and my hairdresser! LOL!

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  11. I’m with you about the advertising. The ads that bug me are the ones that suggest the minute you pass 50 you need a hearing aid, a wheelchair, a stair lift, acrobatic furniture, life insurance and incontinence pants, like your life is over (or might as well be) and you’re staring death in the face. Many people nowadays live to 100, so at 50 you may be only halfway though your life – these ads suggest you’re about to spend half of it being old. Advertisers take note – 50 IS NOT OLD!
    I’m the world’s biggest sissy, so I’m putting off old age as long as possible – I’m afraid it’ll kill me.

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    • You are right about that!! They are busy switching from the ED ads to the walker ads – they don’t know WHAT they’re talking about and I would be willing to bet there’s not a member of the ad team over 30!

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  12. Way to go, Sasha. You just described my entire time out on the street yesterday.. How did you know I can’t tie my shoes anymore? Did you send Miss Tater to spy on me?
    Love your stories.. Keep up the good work.. Some days you cause the only laughter I have. 💖😊💖😊

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    • Donna ~ No spies, just talking about my own life – ha!! Seems we’re all the same…thanks for hanging out with me and I’m so happy I can make you laugh ~ Cheers!

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  14. Oh, those “feet that are so much further away now”…really had me laughing. I am recently 64, thinking it was a blessing to lack the vision to see those chin hairs !! Then I showed up in the bathroom with the reading glasses. Yikes. Family is too kind, or they weren’t paying attention to warn me. A very funny, real post. Thanks for the laughs. ☺

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  15. No. 5 I will admit to. But 50! Seriously… Fifty is the new thirty don’t you know. Growing old disgracefully is where I am at. I am holding tight to a thread of my youth and woe betide anyone with a pair of scissors. I enjoyed your post as I do your blog keep keeping on. Thank you for the morning giggle. 😀😁😊😃😄

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  16. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    Debby Gies spotted this and shared on FB.. delighted to have found a fellow margherita drinker.. I am shortly going to be 63 so will add to this fairly true representation of over 50 – that time is now truncated and your next birthday is here before you have recovered from the last. Very funny and yes.. take photos of your best bits while you can and occasionally wear your reading glasses when putting your make-up on. It is a bit of a shock but you will find those odd neck hairs! Thanks Sasha

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  17. Fabulous post and absolutely hilarious. I wrote about all those beautiful side effects in my menopause book. I should have interviewed you for more! I hear ya! So sharing! 🙂

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      • My daughter is just turning 40 next week, we had a surprise party for her last week & she said I don’t want this & you all are bringing it early. I said my 30s were fantastic, my 40’s were just as great! I don’t feel like I am in my 60s so party on–live, love & laugh as much as you can!

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  19. We had 34 degree high weather last week in Atlanta. I went to the grocery store in peddle pushers and short sleeves…..no coat. Yes people stare and quite a few ask “are you not cold?” Get used to it! Over 60 and I have learned to just SMILE!

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  21. I was laughing so hard I snorted and tears are rolling down my face as I write this. I could add a few more myself being as I am 58 skidding in on 59. Good stuff you write keep us laughing and snorting. I love it.

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  24. Oh and don’t forget being unemployed and uninsured!! The new trend seems to be getting rid of any employees that are close to 50 or 50+ because the insurance companies force them to. Nothing like pillaging your 401K accounts years before you are to retire . . .
    Love your post!! Old age aint for sissies, that’s for sure 😉

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  28. Thank you for a most excellent laugh today!!! I’m closing in on 60, so I can TOTALLY relate to ALL OF THIS!!!!! Mother Nature sure can be a cruel, eh? LOL

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  30. Loved this! So true! When my mom was 62 I thought she was ancient, now at 62 I want yo believe I am a young thing! Ha! Thankfully I can still do most of the things I did just yesterday, but takes me longer. I hope as I age I don’t act old ! Hoping my golden years are a little tarnished! Love your blog and your FB page! Videos are so much fun!

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      • I will be 65 in March and this really struck a chord with me. Even since I hit 50 I’ve become invisible!! Yes, Harry Potter has nothing on me. I’ve tried every online dating site…and found the same guys on Christian Mingle are sometimes the same ones on the BDSM dating sites…(I went there once…by accident of course). Guys my age ask the 5 questions on e-harmony (because it’s too much trouble to compose an actual e-mail)..then the “make it or break it’s”, then more questions and then they disappear…or you get a message that some guy wants to skip straight to e-mails and loves the way you look. Then you find the pictures don’t match up and you’ve been scammed and they delete his profile before you can even click on it. Men I’m matched with want 30 year old personal trainers. I never actually get a chance to meet anyone in person because online dating seems to be the video game site of the over 50 male. Love the TV commercials—all the guys are tall, slim, the women have long flowing hair and all can kayak, roller blade, have no extra weight anywhere. Funny I still see myself as me…the person I was at 30…is the same person (inside) I am now. I was let go from a major company when I turned 50, and forced out of my government job at 61. Since I seem to be unemployable, and invisible…me and my lower slung chest have decided to enjoy life!! Oprah can’t seem to come to grips with her aging self (too bad because she could be a really good role model if she was her authentic self)…but I have decided I love who I am now! If a man can’t see me past the exterior…I am more than willing to enjoy my life solo. So here’s to major moves, following your heart, being kinder to your body, developing new interests, improving our minds, traveling new roads and accepting who we are now with love. It’s not for sissies….but it’s challenging and at times exciting..and it beats the alternatives!! 🙂

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      • Diane,

        Aw Lawd…You said it!! And you and your ‘lower slung checst’…..that cracked me up!…keep on enjoying life@! Cheers 🙂

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