October 28, 2014Sasha

I hate spiders….

If you ever wondered how to get me to clean behind and under my couch, this is EXACTLY the way…

Have a GIANT Brown spider crawl down the side arm of my chair, directly beside the couch, making me leap up and scream, almost dropping my laptop in the process. I watch at the little bastard crawls down the arm of the couch, making sure to keep my eye on him at all times, and keep my dog away from him, sure he would eat him alive (the spider would eat the dog) because he is GIGANTIC. Even though Whiskey weighs 19 pounds, I’m sure of this like I’ve never been sure of anything else.

I see him crawl just under the couch, so I run to grab SOMETHING to kill him with, and my hands light on a napkin from last nights dinner, and I think it’s a very good thing I didn’t do a good job of cleaning off the table or I’d have to go ALL THE WAY to the kitchen to get something to KILL this GIGANTIC spider with.

He is just under the edge of the couch, waiting to attack me at any moment, and I reach in ever so easily, in case he swipes at me with one very long, reach-to-the-sky, leg and I die RIGHT THERE of a heart attack while he jumps up and down and shouts GOT ANOTHER ONE.

He slips farther under the couch and I can’t reach him, knowing I now must do what any person would do and move the entire living room furniture out and find him before he strikes again.

The vacuum is close by, so I begin moving the couch, and really there’s not exactly a place to move the couch TO because my house isn’t like those you see in magazines where the couch and chairs are all cattywampus and sitting in the middle of the room because there are acres of carpet and hardwood floor flowing from each direction but you look at that picture and think, yes that would be a really cool way to do my furniture but you glance at your living room and realize there are 4 walls or maybe 3 and this is the only place you can put your couch so it’s against a wall, and there are 2 end tables, one on each side, practically joined to the arms of the couch because that’s EXACTLY how much room you have but you’re able to get the chair to sit sorta beside it.

So I start to pull the couch out into the middle of the floor, one painful inch at a time, dragging it over the carpet and into the footstool, that there’s never really room for, but it’s a MATCHING SET and you have to buy the footstool, too.

I see Barbie dolls, tennis balls and trash, along with 5 socks, and I think, Hump…the washer didn’t eat my socks, and all this time I (along with the rest of the world’s population) have been blaming sock eating appliances for this when all this time it’s been the couch.

I throw away all the toys BECAUSE SPIDER JUICE may have touched them and I KNOW Tater doesn’t need to come into contact with that.  I take the socks directly to the washer, do not stop, do not pass go, just hold them by my fingertips  IN CASE there is something INSIDE the socks.  Hot water will kill them….yes?  Please GOD, say yes….

I vacuum up all the dust and dead crickets and stray paper clip and hair bows and rubber band and STILL don’t see that Little Bastard so I put the couch back where it’s supposed to go and take the cushions off, sure he’s RIGHT THERE ready to pounce on me when I remove JUST ONE Cushion.

But no, I only find enough scraps to feed a small child for 3 days if he was really hungry or just being stubborn.

I find more toys in the crevices of the couch, pulling them out carefully, maybe he’s hidden Underneath them and I don’t want to be surprised.  I use the horn of a forgotten unicorn to dig a tissue out of the vacuum that I sucked up in my hurry to get it DONE.  I can’t allow the unicorn back in the doll house because  he has been TAINTED by Spider but who knows how long he’s been there and I’m sure Tater has forgotten about him, and he’s trash, too.

I vacuum all the cushions and under the cushions and for good measure I vacuum the rest of the living room.  I put the pillows back and retrieve my laptop and keep looking for the little bastard.

But I never find him.  I am positive he has gone to fetch his 87 kids and all the other relatives you have when you have 87 kids and they are plotting a revenge and say WE STRIKE AT DAWN!!!!

I may have to move.

I hate spiders.

Wonder if I should burn this....
Wonder if I should burn this….

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Thanks for hanging out with me, reading what I write and laughing with me.  I didn’t really laugh a lot with this one, but I hope you do….no really.  It’s ok, I laugh at me, too 🙂

25 comments

  1. When we first moved to the “country” I saw this HUGE spider in the garage. I jumped on him and heard a crunching noise, that’s how big that sucker was, and I was screaming the whole time. I saved the
    “carcass” to show my husband and even he was impressed at how big it was. That whole summer I kept seeing them, but not as much anymore. I think the word got out that there was a fat lady who stomps on spiders and screams them to death.

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  2. Not the vacuum! Never the vacuum! It may live in there forever and make millions of spider babies! Always use a Kleenex and flush that dude down the toilet!!! I now have to take a shower after reading that. And call s bug spray dude. I am all eebiegeebied out!!
    Vicky

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  3. OH MY Heart~ Huge brown spider has to be the scariest… i think i could not sit in there until it is found!!! omg i think i could not sleep either until it was found …what if it followed me to the bedroom and started to crawl on me while i was sleeping!!!! ewww and leave spider juice on me in my sleep!…… Gawd!!! now I am having a nightmare FOR YOU tonight!!! ……lol laughing but …scared for you and now i have gone around my house to make sure there are no Big Huge Brown spiders lurking!!!! and I still love you to pieces! <3~

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  4. My very worst experience with a spider was a few years ago. A humongous spider was crawling across my kitchen floor and when I smashed it with my spider flyswatter, I swear a thousand baby spiders started crawling EVERYWHERE! Don’t know if they were in her belly or in her back, but there had to be thousands (I may tend to exaggerate a little but there were lots)! Hate them, absolutely hate them!!!

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    • I was reading the comments on this post (because evidently I LIKE to torture myself by reading comments about those creepy little buggers :-/ ) and after reading this post, I am very glad that I have never had this happen to me…No I need to go shower again because I “feel” them crawling on me… (shudder!!!)

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  6. Ahhh the dreaded Bastard spider!!! They can cause massive cleanings and sock findings like no other. Thank goodness ladybugs don’t cause that mass hysteria or I would have the house in a commercial. You know the one with the sparkles and glow?!?! Those lovely ladybugs are taking over here in VA…I just ignore them and the dust bunnies! Your posts are AMAZING!! ******Glitter on girl*******

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    • Lisa ~ if only the REST of my house got that good a cleaning!! And we USED to have hundreds of ladybugs…only in an upstairs bedroom in the corner. REALLY weird…but their creatures that ARE weird, right? Thanks!! Cheers and Glitter!!

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    • I live in Upper Michigan we ladybugs are all over here especially in spring. Even now I think they are trying to get on to keep warm until next spring. Just tons of them up in corners. And when I shop vac them down I have to change the bag right away because of their smell. And i thought I was the only one they visited!

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  7. Love you even more, Sasha! I see I have a sister in agoraphobia anonymous. These maneuvers are not above and beyond anything I would also do, and HAVE done, to avoid these critters! I just know each time that he/she/it/they are across the room watching me and rolling their eye/eyes. When I was little, I pulled the legs off daddy long legs out in our back yard. (Not something I am proud of.) I am convinced that their descendants plot their attack at family reunions!

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  11. Love, love, love your posts! I get so excited when I see you in my inbox; knowing I am going to have a good laugh and be reminded I’m not the only one!

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