Looks JUST like the picture, right?

It’s not a secret that I’m no cook.  Dinner in my world is some chicken.  Maybe some potato chips to go along with it and if karma is really flowing, I could add some mac & cheese. 

But I can make a mean pan of brownies (Betty Crocker Turtle are my favs ;) ) and I do love to make appetizers.  I figure if I have friends over and make appetizers, at least 1 or 2 will be good and the other ones will just get pushed to the back of the table.

So, I found this new recipe for Pizza Pull Apart Bread.  Mac’s sister, brother-in-law and friends were coming for the weekend and it seemed like the perfect time to try it.  (Mac:  you’re fixing something you’ve never fixed before for company?  Me:  They’re not company, they’re family.  Besides, your brother-in-law will eat anything…).

I reviewed the recipe, got the ingredients, printed the recipe so I could follow it closely and then read it and did EXACTLY what the directions said to do.

Here’s what it was supposed to look like:

fail supposed to be

Doesn’t that look Fabulous!  I mean…LOOK at it!  Perfection…pizza stuff, warm bread, marinara sauce…What could POSSIBLY go wrong!

Well, I could try to fix it and do EXACTLY like the recipe said to do, that’s what.  Here’s what MINE looked like:

fail

Ummm, yeah.  Not quite.

Although if you dip those little crunchy brown pieces in the marinara, they aren’t too bad….and yes, my brother-in-law did eat quite a bit of it ;)

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Thanks for reading what I write!  If you like it, please share it with your friends, on facebook, twitter, the library, the ladies room…Wait.  Never mind on that ladies room thing….

 

Handmade? Well…sure….

I’ve pinned a LOT of Valentine’s ideas, making great plans, thinking about how I would spend hours with Tater making some really cute little handmade cards, attaching the perfect piece of candy or ribbon or cellophane covered handmade treat.  Each one would be covered with the perfect amount of glitter, without one tiny, sparkly little piece of it falling off when they are delivered.

I’ve seen hints, tips, tricks, hacks, time-savers, fakes, store-bought transferred to handmade and everything thing in between.

kissSo….what did I choose to make with Tater for her party today?

barbie 

Yeah…that.

Now, y’all excuse me while I go look for St. Patrick’s Day stuff because me and Tater are gonna make the Cutest little shamrocks and leprechauns…..

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Thanks for hanging out with me!  If you laughed, I’d love it if you shared this with YOUR friends….they might to laugh, too :)

The Year of the Torso? Not Even Close…

There’s been a LOT of talk about the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover.  In case you haven’t seen it, I’ll post it here…..and give you a minute.

SI cover

Yeah, that’s quite a….cover.  Hannah Davis, the beautiful cover girl, said the picture isn’t too naughty ~ she said it’s all about the torso this year. 

That’s sure not the FIRST thought I had, Hannah.

But….BUT, I do want to say this ~ I see that photograph and I think two totally different thoughts, because I see it two different ways.  I see it as a woman AND as a mother to a 7-year-old girl.

So let me give you my thoughts as both those people….

As a Woman, I want to say: YOU GO GIRL!  Wow, you look amazing and while a lot of what you’re showing is youth and great genes, I know you work hard to maintain that beautiful body.  Rock it while you’ve got it and promise you’ll rock it after you think it’s gone, too.  We’re all beautiful in our own way and you happen to be a beauty that is on display for the world.  As a Woman, I know  you feel pride in the way you look and enjoy the benefits of being a beautiful woman in a world that treasures beauty above all else sometimes.  So I say Flaunt it ~ you’ve definitely Got IT!

As a Mother to a 7-Year-Old Girl, I want to say: GIRL!  Cover yourself!  That’s no way to be dressed in Public!  You’re Beautiful but you don’t have to put in on Display for the WORLD to see!  A little modesty would be just fine.  Now, go get a sweater or something.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what I want to say as either person. We won’t be buying this issue….not because of any stand or display of how we feel, but simply because we aren’t huge Sports (or Magazine) fans. 

And if the cover happens to be seen by that 7-Year-Old Girl?  Well, right now she’s all about her privacy and I KNOW she’d look at me, raise those eyebrows, widen those big brown eyes, form that perfect O with her mouth hidden behind her hand and say…”ooooohhhh Sasha!! That girl is gonna show her Privates!”

And then we’d have a little talk about that bikini she thinks she’s getting this summer…..

Oh, and here’s the picture cropped slightly ~ so I can put THIS one in the post and not have an “R” rating :)

si cover pg

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Thanks so much for hanging out with me!  If you like what you’ve read, please share it.  You wouldn’t want to keep this for yourself, right?  Right?  Ok, I’ll just take that as a yes….

 

My Morning Routine isn’t quite like this….

So I was just scrolling over on Pinterest, and saw this info for the “Morning Workout”.

Now, here’s the thing ~ I don’t do a morning workout.  I know, I know, y’all are SHOCKED by that!  But if I WERE to do a Morning Workout it would probably involve walking to the kitchen, bending over to get a skillet and lots of arm rotations while I scrambled my egg. 

Oh, and I’d walk back to the living room to eat.

So when I saw THIS, I was pretty amazed.  Apparently, I’ve been a little slack….

morning workoutAfter looking at this, I realized I could TOTALLY do this.  I mean, the 60 second wall sit?  No problem!  I can sit down for 60 seconds against a wall…

Wait ~ What?  I just looked a little more and they think I can sit against the wall WITHOUT a Chair? 

Ha.  HAHAHAHA.  Bwahahahahahaha…

They probably want me to do all that in ONE morning, too, huh?

Bless ’em…..

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Thanks for reading what I write…if you like it, even a little, share it with your friends.  They might like it, too :)  Cheers, y’all!!

That Elf Is So Outta Here!

That damn Elf on the Shelf ~ I DID remember to move him almost every night this year.  But our Elf (no name…we don’t name things in our house) didn’t do any fancy, messy, crazy or creative things over night.  He barely got moved from one side of the room to the other.  The closest he came to doing anything unusual was when he fell out of the lamp shade and landed behind the couch.  THAT was weird because no one could see the little snot.  When we finally found him, I had to do some fancy footwork to move him to another spot, and make up a quick story about how he must have JUST flown in.

So, next year, I’m thinking we might just skip Elf on the Shelf, and go with “Margarita on the Mantel” instead.  I KNOW for a fact that I’d move THAT every night.  Heck, I might even move TWO.

Margarita on the mantel

And just because I like a list, here’s a few ideas for y’all if you’re tired of the creepy little guy…….

  1. Margarita on the Mantel
  2. Wine on the Windowsill
  3. Beer on the Bar stool
  4. Cocktails on the Couch
  5. Rum on the Recliner

I might have said this out loud, when our Creepy Little Elf was listening….I set my Margarita on the Mantel to see how it looked up there and, really ~ it was perfect.  Of course, I caught the sneaky little SOB trying to take a sip.

Elf looking at margarita

Hmmm, what’s THAT?

 

Elf on Buffalo with margarita

Needs a little more tequila…..

 

He is so outta here…..

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Thanks for hanging out with me and reading what I write. If you loved this, share it with your friends and family…you KNOW they need a laugh :)

I hate spiders….

If you ever wondered how to get me to clean behind and under my couch, this is EXACTLY the way…

Have a GIANT Brown spider crawl down the side arm of my chair, directly beside the couch, making me leap up and scream, almost dropping my laptop in the process. I watch at the little bastard crawls down the arm of the couch, making sure to keep my eye on him at all times, and keep my dog away from him, sure he would eat him alive (the spider would eat the dog) because he is GIGANTIC. Even though Whiskey weighs 19 pounds, I’m sure of this like I’ve never been sure of anything else.

I see him crawl just under the couch, so I run to grab SOMETHING to kill him with, and my hands light on a napkin from last nights dinner, and I think it’s a very good thing I didn’t do a good job of cleaning off the table or I’d have to go ALL THE WAY to the kitchen to get something to KILL this GIGANTIC spider with.

He is just under the edge of the couch, waiting to attack me at any moment, and I reach in ever so easily, in case he swipes at me with one very long, reach-to-the-sky, leg and I die RIGHT THERE of a heart attack while he jumps up and down and shouts GOT ANOTHER ONE.

He slips farther under the couch and I can’t reach him, knowing I now must do what any person would do and move the entire living room furniture out and find him before he strikes again.

The vacuum is close by, so I begin moving the couch, and really there’s not exactly a place to move the couch TO because my house isn’t like those you see in magazines where the couch and chairs are all cattywampus and sitting in the middle of the room because there are acres of carpet and hardwood floor flowing from each direction but you look at that picture and think, yes that would be a really cool way to do my furniture but you glance at your living room and realize there are 4 walls or maybe 3 and this is the only place you can put your couch so it’s against a wall, and there are 2 end tables, one on each side, practically joined to the arms of the couch because that’s EXACTLY how much room you have but you’re able to get the chair to sit sorta beside it.

So I start to pull the couch out into the middle of the floor, one painful inch at a time, dragging it over the carpet and into the footstool, that there’s never really room for, but it’s a MATCHING SET and you have to buy the footstool, too.

I see Barbie dolls, tennis balls and trash, along with 5 socks, and I think, Hump…the washer didn’t eat my socks, and all this time I (along with the rest of the world’s population) have been blaming sock eating appliances for this when all this time it’s been the couch.

I throw away all the toys BECAUSE SPIDER JUICE may have touched them and I KNOW Tater doesn’t need to come into contact with that.  I take the socks directly to the washer, do not stop, do not pass go, just hold them by my fingertips  IN CASE there is something INSIDE the socks.  Hot water will kill them….yes?  Please GOD, say yes….

I vacuum up all the dust and dead crickets and stray paper clip and hair bows and rubber band and STILL don’t see that Little Bastard so I put the couch back where it’s supposed to go and take the cushions off, sure he’s RIGHT THERE ready to pounce on me when I remove JUST ONE Cushion.

But no, I only find enough scraps to feed a small child for 3 days if he was really hungry or just being stubborn.

I find more toys in the crevices of the couch, pulling them out carefully, maybe he’s hidden Underneath them and I don’t want to be surprised.  I use the horn of a forgotten unicorn to dig a tissue out of the vacuum that I sucked up in my hurry to get it DONE.  I can’t allow the unicorn back in the doll house because  he has been TAINTED by Spider but who knows how long he’s been there and I’m sure Tater has forgotten about him, and he’s trash, too.

I vacuum all the cushions and under the cushions and for good measure I vacuum the rest of the living room.  I put the pillows back and retrieve my laptop and keep looking for the little bastard.

But I never find him.  I am positive he has gone to fetch his 87 kids and all the other relatives you have when you have 87 kids and they are plotting a revenge and say WE STRIKE AT DAWN!!!!

I may have to move.

I hate spiders.

Wonder if I should burn this....

Wonder if I should burn this….

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Thanks for hanging out with me, reading what I write and laughing with me.  I didn’t really laugh a lot with this one, but I hope you do….no really.  It’s ok, I laugh at me, too :)

Happy Flippin Birthday just got easier…

Happy Flippin Birthday!

 

Oh wait…it’s not MY birthday.  And it might not be YOUR birthday either. But I bet someone you KNOW is having a birthday soon….

And if you LOVE getting cards in the mail and LOVE sending cards to people, then THIS is gonna be absoflippinlutely Fabulous!

I’m so excited ~ and have been working on this for a while now ~ and they’re here!!

Birthday Cards AND Magnets are here!

 

But the coolest part?  I’ll even mail them to the birthday celebrating friend on your list!  Yep, all you gotta do is give me their mailing address and tell me what you want written inside the card.  I’ll take care of the rest.

Talk About E A S Y!!

Go to the “Shop” tab at the top of my page and scroll down through the 3 most popular cups and you’ll see them.  You could go ahead and get your entire Birthday Card YEAR out of the way with one click.  Hey, I’m here for ya :)

2" x 2" Rigid Magnet

2″ x 2″ Rigid Magnet

Front of Card

Front of Card

Inside Card

Inside Card

Just in case you were wondering, the Smoky Look is in.

It started out innocent enough.  My bestie (who said she wanted to be called “Lola” from now on in my blog…and that’s really the perfect name for her!), called and said she was getting off work early and did I want to meet her at the new makeup store.

Hmmmm, lemme think a minute.  Never mind, 10 seconds was all I needed, cause I was ALL in.

I had already showered, so that was a plus ~  no stinky Sasha in public.  I had on little makeup and had done hardly anything to my hair, (I’m thinking we’re going ‘Messy Casual’) but no biggie.  I mean, we’re just going to the make up store….maybe I could get some makeup there.  (I don’t think they had any hair help….)

Once we get there, we are stopped in our tracks by ALL the finishes for faces. I realize I am in WAY over my head.  I mean, I’m a ‘slap some foundation on, some blush and powder, swipe a few strokes of eye shadow on the wrinkled eye lids and add about a hundred mascara applications’ and I’m good to go.  But this…THIS was like Make Up for Pros.  Or at least people who did a lot more than I did.

The very lovely, very made up (BIG FLIPPIN CLUE), very friendly employee approached us as we were standing there, slack-jawed and confused.  I had hoped we didn’t appear that way, but apparently it was VERY obvious.

She said the words that I will never forget….and ones that I should run from if I ever hear them again:  Would you like a Make Over?

Sure! That sounds like fun.

What a sucker I am…..

I hop up onto the stool (fine…I crawl one bad knee at a time), hand my pocket-book to Lola and say, “Whatcha gonna do?”

Made up Employee:  Well, we’ve got some new colors that really POP and give a Great DRAMATIC look to your Eyes that I’d love to TRY.  I think you’d look beautiful with the SMOKY look.   (All key words I neglected to hear because the word beautiful was stuck in my ear.)

Me:  OKAY!  Sounds good to me.

HEAVILY Made up Employee: Great.  Just close your eyes and don’t peek until I’m finished.

I wish I could say I knew what she used, but I was a good little customer guinea pig, and didn’t peek one time.  And it’s a good thing, too, because if I had opened my eyes mid-makeover, I’m sure I would have left the store only half made up.  Which, come to think of it, might not have been a bad idea.

When VERY Heavily Made up Employee lady finished, she whirled me around in that tall bar stool with a back (thank the good Lord for that), and said “Ok, what do you think?”

I think my good acting skills took over because I did NOT jump up screaming and run from the counter.  What I did say was, “Well….I never used quite that much eye shadow before.  Are those ‘wings’ coming out from my eyes?  That’s a LOT of eye liner.  And I usually like a little darker lipstick.”

She told me the new ‘style’ was pale lips and cheeks and DRAMATIC Eyes for Fall.  I’m pretty sure she nailed it.

I waited until I got to the car to take pictures, but you just can’t see the VERY DARK AND VERY DRAMATIC look as well as I can when I look in the mirror.  Of course, when I got home and went over to Mama and Daddy’s to check on them, Mama asked what happened to my eyes.  I tried to explain it was the new DRAMATIC Look for Fall but I’m not sure she was buying it.  A dollar says she’ll ask Daddy if I got in a fight….

Might be a LITTLE Dark for my Dollar General Daytime Runs...

Might be a LITTLE Dark for my Dollar General Daytime Runs…

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Thanks so much for reading what I write ~ I really appreciate it.  It’s even funnier is you’re drinking a margarita when you read it….or maybe it’s just funnier if I’m DRINKING a margarita when I read it….whatever. 

 

 

If you don’t ask, you’ll never know…..

I never mind if the cashier at the grocery store is new…..I consider it on-the-job training and I’m sorta like the trainer.  ‘Cause I’m ALL about my groceries getting to my house in the same shape they were in on the store shelves.  In other words, DO NOT put the bread or potato chips in the bottom of the bag with the apples on top.

Now Harold’s FIRST day had to be today….he was very slow, and deliberate, and slightly confused.

But that’s OK.  I know how it is.  I gently suggested he put the bread to the side.  And to show he was listening, when he got to the BOXED donuts, he put them aside, too and said he knew I wouldn’t want to get THOSE crushed.  Oh wait…what?  Hmmmmm……

He said he liked my tattoo, and told me how he was learning how to be a tattoo artist.  That was fine ~ a little chit-chat is a good thing.

However, I didn’t really need to know that his first self tattoo was when he was 14 and his mentor said he had to do another one because that one wasn’t legal.  Huh?  I may have zoned out for a moment when that particular diatribe happened. 

You see, Harold was a talker.  And I like to talk as much as the next person.  But the 3 natives behind me were getting a little restless, especially the woman holding the shopping basket in one hand and the gallon of milk in the other.

But what REALLY told me Harold was BRAND new ~ to the cashier position, to a grocery store, to LIFE ~ was when he scanned my bag of Yellow Rice.  Because this is the conversation that happened:

Harold:  Is that Yellow Rice Stuff any good?

Me:  Well, I like it.

Harold:  Yeah, I didn’t know if it was to eat or what.

Me:  I’d go with “What” Harold, because you just never know…

Bless. His. Heart.

yellow rice

The kind of Yellow Rice you Eat

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Thanks so much for reading what I write ~ and if you love it, read it to someone else, too.  You can even take credit for thinking up that idea :)  And I LOVE a comment and will almost always answer back…you know, unless it’s crazy or something.  And really, we’re all crazy so it’s all good.  Cheers!

10 Reasons I’ll Never Be Miss America

APTOPIX Miss America_Cham640

Congratulations to Miss New York, Kira Kazantsev, on becoming Miss America, 2015 last night.   You go, Girl!   I know this is nothing I will ever do, and before you say, “Sure you can, just do it!” I thought I’d compile a list of 10 reasons why I will NEVER be Miss America ~ and I’m ok with that.  I’ll be something else….Miss Brownie, or Miss NCIS, or just Sasha….

1.           I’m old.  And I’ve been married for almost 31 years  (Yes, it was 2 husbands, but together, it’s almost 31 years –  ya gotta count it ALL).  So technically, I couldn’t be MISS America.  I could be Mrs. America, but I’m still Old, and all those Mrs. America women look young. And thin.

2.            I haven’t worn a 2-piece bathing suit since 1975.  And it was a little iffy then.

3.            I can’t go live for a year in a NY apartment and travel around the country making appearances.  I’d be too busy stopping to update my Facebook status with, “WOW ~ check out this place” or “What a stupid sign” or “Why would someone want me to stand in a room full of crazy people and wear a crown?”.   The Miss America people might frown on that…a lot.

4.            I don’t want to tape any part of my body and then go out in public hoping the tape stays put.  What if I sneezed?

5.            I don’t like to wear heels and hose.  I really prefer to go barefoot, and I’ve never seen a single State parade on stage barefoot.  And does anyone else think it’s odd that they wear those high, high heels with their bathing suits?  Have you ever worn high heels with YOUR bathing suit?  I usually wear flip-flops and a big hat.  And lots of sunscreen. And a cover-up….and have a towel, a chair, a book, sunglasses, radio, phone, camera, snacks, drinks and anything else I can possibly carry so I don’t have to go back to the car.  Now THAT would be a good Swim Suit competition:  How many trips does it take Miss North Carolina to get all the stuff outta the car?  Only 1?  WIN!

6.            I don’t have enough hair to wear a crown.

7.            I’m not real good with people judging me.  I’d be peeking out of the curtain, waiting for the judges to say something, flash a little number up or make some cross eyed secret message to each other and I’d be stomping on the stage, acting all “WHAT?  Whatchu talking about?”

8.            My lips are really thin.  Plus lip liner just lands in my mouth wrinkles and looks a little like dirt.  And I don’t have pretty, perfect, white teeth so my smile is usually always ‘closed’.  I think it’s a requirement that you have to smile the entire time there’s a camera in the room with you.  And show lots of teeth.

9.            My talent would consist of French Braiding a moving head of hair and making a mean Margarita.

10.            My idea of an evening gown doesn’t cost more than 6 months of mortgage and can be bought off the rack at Steinmart.   Besides, all those sequins look pretty heavy.   And I don’t need any more weight added to my body.  Anywhere.

And there you have the top 10 reasons I could never be Miss America.  There are about a million more reasons, but I thought the top ten would be a good start.

Now, where did I put my flip flops…..

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Thanks for reading my blog ~ if you want to leave a comment, I promise I’ll read it and respond because I LOVE comments.  And if you really love it, share it with your friends and have a margarita while you’re reading the blog out loud.  At the bar.  With other people near by.  It’s even FUNNIER then!  :) Cheers!

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