If you ever wondered how to get me to clean behind and under my couch, this is EXACTLY the way…
Have a GIANT Brown spider crawl down the side arm of my chair, directly beside the couch, making me leap up and scream, almost dropping my laptop in the process. I watch at the little bastard crawls down the arm of the couch, making sure to keep my eye on him at all times, and keep my dog away from him, sure he would eat him alive (the spider would eat the dog) because he is GIGANTIC. Even though Whiskey weighs 19 pounds, I’m sure of this like I’ve never been sure of anything else.
I see him crawl just under the couch, so I run to grab SOMETHING to kill him with, and my hands light on a napkin from last nights dinner, and I think it’s a very good thing I didn’t do a good job of cleaning off the table or I’d have to go ALL THE WAY to the kitchen to get something to KILL this GIGANTIC spider with.
He is just under the edge of the couch, waiting to attack me at any moment, and I reach in ever so easily, in case he swipes at me with one very long, reach-to-the-sky, leg and I die RIGHT THERE of a heart attack while he jumps up and down and shouts GOT ANOTHER ONE.
He slips farther under the couch and I can’t reach him, knowing I now must do what any person would do and move the entire living room furniture out and find him before he strikes again.
The vacuum is close by, so I begin moving the couch, and really there’s not exactly a place to move the couch TO because my house isn’t like those you see in magazines where the couch and chairs are all cattywampus and sitting in the middle of the room because there are acres of carpet and hardwood floor flowing from each direction but you look at that picture and think, yes that would be a really cool way to do my furniture but you glance at your living room and realize there are 4 walls or maybe 3 and this is the only place you can put your couch so it’s against a wall, and there are 2 end tables, one on each side, practically joined to the arms of the couch because that’s EXACTLY how much room you have but you’re able to get the chair to sit sorta beside it.
So I start to pull the couch out into the middle of the floor, one painful inch at a time, dragging it over the carpet and into the footstool, that there’s never really room for, but it’s a MATCHING SET and you have to buy the footstool, too.
I see Barbie dolls, tennis balls and trash, along with 5 socks, and I think, Hump…the washer didn’t eat my socks, and all this time I (along with the rest of the world’s population) have been blaming sock eating appliances for this when all this time it’s been the couch.
I throw away all the toys BECAUSE SPIDER JUICE may have touched them and I KNOW Tater doesn’t need to come into contact with that. I take the socks directly to the washer, do not stop, do not pass go, just hold them by my fingertips IN CASE there is something INSIDE the socks. Hot water will kill them….yes? Please GOD, say yes….
I vacuum up all the dust and dead crickets and stray paper clip and hair bows and rubber band and STILL don’t see that Little Bastard so I put the couch back where it’s supposed to go and take the cushions off, sure he’s RIGHT THERE ready to pounce on me when I remove JUST ONE Cushion.
But no, I only find enough scraps to feed a small child for 3 days if he was really hungry or just being stubborn.
I find more toys in the crevices of the couch, pulling them out carefully, maybe he’s hidden Underneath them and I don’t want to be surprised. I use the horn of a forgotten unicorn to dig a tissue out of the vacuum that I sucked up in my hurry to get it DONE. I can’t allow the unicorn back in the doll house because he has been TAINTED by Spider but who knows how long he’s been there and I’m sure Tater has forgotten about him, and he’s trash, too.
I vacuum all the cushions and under the cushions and for good measure I vacuum the rest of the living room. I put the pillows back and retrieve my laptop and keep looking for the little bastard.
But I never find him. I am positive he has gone to fetch his 87 kids and all the other relatives you have when you have 87 kids and they are plotting a revenge and say WE STRIKE AT DAWN!!!!
I may have to move.
I hate spiders.
Wonder if I should burn this….
Thanks for hanging out with me, reading what I write and laughing with me. I didn’t really laugh a lot with this one, but I hope you do….no really. It’s ok, I laugh at me, too :)